Wednesday, June 8, 2011
I think this has to be the quietest June of my life. June is usually my favorite month and every year I would count down the days until my birthday. It wasn't just my birthday but it was the magic of June itself. School was getting out, the nights would be soft and warm, vacation plans were on the horizon, everything became looser and lazier. So I think I am correct in saying this isn't my normal June. Over the past probably, 5 years, I have become this wound up person, always making lists and GETTING THINGS DONE. We have moved every year, 3 times internationally. I have wielded major jobs at church, I have been involved in a cause or a hobby, I have been a best best bestest friend, and I have always tried to make the culture of our family fun and exciting. I think all these things are good things. I kind of made it my thing to be that way. When I moved to Ireland this year I tried to transplant all of that here. Like a diseased body rejecting a new organ, my idea of who I am, did not take root here. I tried to force it for 6 months. At the 6 months in the past I was able to say "I am settled in my new place". Again Ireland was different. In the months following I have been on a mental journey (I HATE using the word journey- it sounds like I'm on a reality show) to figure out who I am, who I want to be, and what Ireland has in store for me. The conclusion I have come to is to let it go. Let it all go, and let whatever comes to me happen. (Usually I go get things, if that makes sense) I love to label and declare things. I have let that go. And just as I started to settle in to whatever this new me was going to be, I started to get sick. I have had a series of sinus infections since moving here and so I went to get my normal antibiotics as usual. A week later I was still tired and with more joint pain. So I tried steroids. A week later I have constant joint and leg pain and fatigue. My blood work is clear and a week later there is no change. So that is a total of 3 weeks and my beautiful June slipping away. The conclusion I am making right now is that I am just worn out. After all these years of intenseness I am just worn out. I know this sounds nieve but it is what I am going with for the next few weeks until school gets out. I have the opportunity that I have NEVER had of being sick and taking care of myself while the kids are at school. I have the help and time to do minimal things and let my body heal. When school gets out, and if I am not better, I am going to take the scary walk to the joint specialist. In the meantime I am doing what I can to become a calm person. I am sharing this with you because it is a new adventure for me- a quiet June, an unplanned summer- and I could use all the prayers and good vibes you got out there. But don't worry- I am not depressed, I am actually feeling very good and peaceful about all of these decisions, I just wanted you all to know what was going on. Thanks for listening.